Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Esteem or aesthetic?

So, I went away for a few months. When I returned, I saw that my fridge was looking a little bare.

After a few days, I realised that Wayne had been magicked away by my flatmate, who can't stand to look at him because he's ugly.

Which is a pity, because whilst he doesn't confirm to my usual aesthetic standards, he's such an esteem booster.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Totally sober

I had a little break at Uni-bloody-versity today, and was sitting outside near the entrance to a building. Two girls walked toward the entrance, then stopped. One of the girls put down her bag, put her hands in the air, and proceeded to stand on her hands.

She stayed on her hands, then started walking on them for a minute before she did a leg split in the air and gracefully righted herself.

Once she was standing (on her feet) again, she turned to her friend and said:
"See? I'm totally sober!"

Friday, October 16, 2009


I am at the end of the Uni semester... In addition to school work, and paid work, I have had a constant stream of visitors for last two months, and I am looking for a new house.

Back to the visitors. I though the last had left... and in terms of visitors who are actually your friends that you want to hang out with, the last had left. But there were more, unplanned, visitors to come... Kind of like the Angel Gabriel visiting Mary to tell her she was preggers by "God" (but the Jewish one or the Christian one? Or did "God" have multiple personality disorder? However, this is not the forum for religious semantics) except that I didn't have a visitor telling me I was preggers, I had a viral visitor, the flu. Probably the Swine Flu. (So I guess if the Angel Gabriel had visited me it would have been the Christian "God", considering the Jewish "God"'s aversion to all things swine.) An unwelcome visitor, to say the least. But, I decided to soldier on (with Codral).

But the other day, an extra visitor came to stay... A goiter (not sure which "God" the Angel Gabriel would be representing for this. Suggestions?). It may not be a real goiter, but it's a big lump on the side of my face. After work last night, one of the girls tried to get rid of it, with the aid of a safety pin and some serious squeezing... No go. So I took my goiter home on the tram (it takes up an entire seat, so I had to buy it it's own ticket, like for a bike, except less useful for getting places. And my goiter isn't a Uni student so I have to buy it a full fare. Unlucky.) and this morning set off for the doctor.

After some discussion about what she could do about said goiter, we settled on a scalpel and more squeezing, with the aid of a local anesthetic, followed up with some antibiotics. And a warning that I may scar, and if I care that much I can go to a plastic surgeon. Seriously. Get rid of the goiter. (And I found out it's not actually a goiter, but a carbuncle. I thought that was what you got on the bottom of boats, like in the Listerine ad when they metaphorically blast them away. But apparently they also occur on my face. I digress.) After the scalpel and squeezing I got a steri-strip on my face. So if you didn't already notice the lump the same size as my fist extruding from my face, there was now a feature point (like a feature wall I guess... wonder what the Angel Gabriel would have to say about feature walls....).

In other news, there is currently a house on the rental market that is purple inside. Not a feature wall, every wall (I guess every wall is a feature?)... But against the wall, probably you wouldn't notice my goiter...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Bullying at work: a short play

The characters:
Lead Female: Lady K
Lead Male: American Guy
Lead Supporting Male: English Guy #1
Following Supporting Male: English Guy #2
Extras: Selection of representatives of other Western* nations

The scene:
A busy Friday lunch in a restaurant


American Guy, English Guy #1, English Guy # 2, American Guy and a Selection of representatives of other Western nations are sitting at the table together.
Lady K approaches the table. Lady K starts to take their food order, beginning with the Selection of representatives of other Western nations, then moving on to American Guy.

Lady K: "What would you like?"
American Guy: [points to dish listed under "Entree"] "The calamari"
Lady K: "Are you sure? It's quite small, it's only an entree."
American Guy: "Sorry, in the States entree means-"
Lady K: "First?"
English Guy #1 and English Guy #2 laugh
American Guy: "No, we have an appetizer and then an entree, as the main course"
Lady K: "Hmm. Fair enough. I guess they speak English in America, not French. So, what would you like?"
English Guy #1 and English Guy #2 laugh
American Guy huffs, and hunches over, then speaks in a pissed off tone
American Guy: "Nothing."

American Guy finishes his beer, and gets up from the table to leave, stopping past the manager on his way to complain about the appalling and rude service, and stating that he will never come back. And it's all "that girl's (a.k.a. Lady K's) fault"

Half an hour later, Lady K approaches the table vacated by American Guy, to speak with English Guy #1 and English Guy #2.

English Guy #1: "We're sorry about our friend earlier, that was a bit awkward. We thought what you said was really funny. Entree does mean first.
English Guy #2: "He's an idiot!"
Lady K: "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to be culturally insensitive"
English Guy #1: Don't worry about him, he's just a grumpy American. We give him shit all the time."
Lady K: "Okay, well, I hope you have a more culturally sensitive afternoon"
English Guy #1 and English Guy #2 laugh
English Guy 2: "Don't be silly! We're going back to the office to give him more shit!"


So kids, the moral of the story is: If you tease your work colleagues about their nationality and they don't actually find it funny, one day the waitress is going to cop it.

*In my feminist University classes, the term "Western" has been replaced with "Global North**". In the non-feminist classes (i.e. those that don't subscribe to the feminist critical approach and would likely therefore define themselves as androgynous but who the feminists would describe as masculine-normative) the term "Western" is still used.

**"Global North" has pretty much the same connotations as "Western", in that it refers to the parts of the world that are in the business of exploiting other countries (the "Global South") in ways they can't exploit their own because they have a system of governance that prevents it. The "Global North" likes it this way, but poses as an adviser to the "Global South" on how it can become like the "Global North", but only provides enough advice/assistance to enable the "Global South" to become the metaphorically disabled smaller sibling of the "Global North", thereby not changing anything at all except the labels of the siblings every few years, to make it look as though there is progress***.

***I shouldn't be so cynical. There is progress****.

****There is a progression through the dictionary.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

University Look of the Day #1

Light grey sweatshirt hoodie with front pocket.
Denim miniskirt.
Leggings, worn under the heel, stopping at the arch of the foot.
Ballet pink patent leather heels with an organza rose on each toe.

The look: $600

Other students keeping me interested and you entertained: Priceless.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Buttoned Up

The other day at work, we were experimenting with our collars. Some button them all the way up (sans neckties), others don't.
The new manager said that he doesn't wear his collar buttoned all the way up, because it makes him look like a leukemia child.
And I thought "But you look like that regardless of your sartorial style".
It's moments like these that the ability to shut your mouth as though you've just popped a tablespoon of crunchy peanut butter in it is the only way to stay in a job.